Birth story

I have never written one of these up before, but I am going to give it a try with lucky number 7 :)

One of the reasons I want to share my experience of my seventh labor and delivery is that, from a practical sense, it was such a different experience for me and from a spiritual sense, it was balm to my anxious and weary soul. It was an unusual answer to a prayer I had prayed for many weeks before delivery.

Most of my pregnancy with Joshua was stressful. I had more morning sickness, aches, and pains than with my others, and as a family, we were under much more stress due to building and moving into our new home. Peter was busy with his full time career, and the contractor for the building of our new home. Both are full time jobs, not to mention a pregnant wife and 6 children, which is also a "job" in and of itself. He is amazing and works so hard for us and there is no doubt the whole process took its toll on him as well as me and the kids. As for me, I continued homeschooling our kids and doing what we do here, but it was much harder because, understandably, I had much less help from my husband than I normally do in pregnancies, and pregnancy is tough for me under "normal" circumstances anyways. As we approached my due date, our family as a whole was worn thin, and we were literally just surviving the days, one at a time. We officially moved in to our beautiful home when I was about 36 weeks pregnant. Still, there was and is, much to do. While we saw more of Peter, he was still extremely busy and stressed, and desperately wanted to have things mostly done, or at least at a good stopping point, before baby's arrival. At about 38 weeks pregnant, our family came down with strep throat. Almost the exact same scenario was beginning to play out as it had three years ago when I gave birth to Ezekiel (our fifth child), and became septic due to the strep throat that had been circulating in our family, but that I did not know I had as well. I had been tested and was negative, and yet, because of the fever and racing heart beat while I was in labor and which continued to worsen after delivery, the doctors and nurses knew there was something bad going on. I had a culture of the placenta and my blood done, which showed positive for strep A. I spent one night in the ICU, and then Ezekiel and I spent a week in the pediatrics side of the hospital treating him with antibiotics, to make sure he was healthy. Once we were both treated, we were able to go home, but it was not a fun experience, to say the least. That background set the stage for why I felt particularly stressed at the end of the pregnancy. My doctors/midwives decided that since things were so similar to that 5th delivery this time, it would be best to be treated with simple antibiotics, just to ward off an infection in light of my history. I needed to be given the medicine for 4 hours before delivery in order for it to be effective. That was a bit of a worry to me because I tend to have a lot of false labor and usually don't get to the hospital particularly early. Both Peter and I felt like we were on a deadline of sorts, both with the house, and also the fact that Peter's brother's wedding was the week after my due date; a wedding we all very much wanted to be able to attend, and that some of our kids were participating in. All of that on top of feeling like I needed to get to the hospital when I was in real labor but not too late, was enough to drive me a tiny bit crazy with the whole thing. The running monologue in my head became "Lord, I know Your timing is best..."
I prayed a novena to the Sacred heart of Jesus. Our baby was due June 12th, the Feast of the Sacred Heart. It seemed extremely appropriate and divinely inspired to pray to the Sacred Heart for all these worries that occupied my mind. I prayed for a peaceful, safe, and gentle labor and delivery and health for both baby and myself. I had a pretty good idea of how things would go, seeing as this was my 7th, and I felt a real and deep anxiety about it. I have a ridiculous fear of the triage experience, perhaps because every time before, we would get to the hospital when I would be in very active and painful labor, and I would be having trouble coping with the labor along with all the questions, blood draws, papers to sign, etc. I felt a great need to be blessed with peace about it all, this time.

I have never been late with any of my babies. But wouldn't you know, there is a first for everything :) On June 13th, I began having contractions again, but after 3 or 4 days of what felt like real, somewhat painful, timeable contractions for hours, and then fading away, I was getting more and more anxious. The contractions were familiar but different too, which is why I didn't want to rush to the hospital. Finally, after talking with my midwife, we decided that when contractions started up again, I should just come in and get evaluated. I really did not like the idea of being sent home, so I felt very apprehensive, but sure enough, when contractions started up on Saturday night, we called my mom to come be with our kids, and headed to the hospital. It was a very peaceful and painless drive, as my contractions had mostly spaced out and lessened, and by the time I was all hooked up in triage, I felt like an idiot because I was not contacting anymore than once every 20 minutes or so. And quite frankly, they were wimpy ones. However, in light of all my fears, I cannot complain, as this was the calmest most peaceful triage experience I had ever had. I felt ridiculous being that this was my 7th baby and I could not tell real from false labor and I was pretty sure we were getting sent home, but then my midwife checked me and said I was 5 cm dilated and that they would admit us to a labor and delivery room, get me started on the antibiotics,  let me walk around a bit to speed things up, and perhaps break my water if that was needed. To top it all off, they said I could get an epidural at any point. Things never got too bad after that. In fact, I got my epidural, and even rested for a couple of hours, as did Peter. We had incredibly kind and helpful nurses and a wonderful midwife. My midwife broke my water at 3:30 am, and 2 hours later, our perfect, healthy, beautiful baby Joshua was born. This was seriously the most peaceful and painless labor and delivery I had ever gone through. Like I said before, it was the balm to my weary and anxious soul. I was kind of shocked with how easily and well everything happened. I kept thanking Jesus for His mercy and His care for me and Joshua. He answered my prayers in His own beautiful and perfect way; a way I certainly did not expect. I felt so close to Him, knowing He was lavishing me with His love, and answering my prayers for a peaceful, gentle, and healthy labor and  delivery.

 Joshua Benedict was born June 14th at 5:29 am, 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 20 inches long. We are so in love with this new child. He has so many hands holding him all day long and so many people loving on him. He is blessed... as are we to have him in our lives. Thanks and praise be to God!!!

Some things I have learned during this pregnancy

Each pregnancy for me has been an opportunity to grow, stretch, and change as a wife, mother, and daughter of God. I can't honestly say I have taken advantage of all of those many opportunities I have had to grow spiritually, but they have always been an invitation for me.  Pregnancy is a perfect illustration of growth because it is a literal growing, stretching, and changing of my own physical body.
This pregnancy has been different for us. God called us to a deeper faith and a deeper reliance on Him this time around, than He ever has before. We began building a house around the time we found out we were expecting a new baby. Needless to say, it has been a very very busy and stressful 9 months. I was about 36 weeks when we finally were able to move into the new house. My due date is June 12th. Today! And yet, no major sign of baby making his debut. I have never ever been late in all of my 6 previous pregnancies. Always on time, or early. We have many things going on this summer, particularly in June. A wedding, a camping trip for the kids (not me!), getting our old house on the market and hopefully sold by the end of the summer...and of course, a baby due. For us, this is a lot! I feel like I have spent most of this pregnancy, especially the third trimester, in a completely exhausted state, both physically and mentally.
So now that I have given a little background, I really want the heart of this post to focus on the things I have learned from this rather hectic time in my life.
First, is that God's grace is always sufficient. Many times this pregnancy I have wondered how on earth something would work out. And yet, it always has. God is an ever faithful and compassionate Father, who provides just the right amount of grace for each and every wave we must ride in life.

Secondly, Peter is the greatest husband and father in the world. He really is, and lucky for me, I got him :) He provides for me and our kids so well. He is patient, kind, and hard working, I often think, there is no problem he cannot tackle and conquer. I have no idea how he handles a full time job, a full time family with 6 kids, and a pregnant wife, and building a house (like literally building it with his own two hands at times, and the rest of the time, directing the whole project as the contractor). I really have been quite useless in this whole process, requiring more from him than I have been able to give. And yet, he keeps on giving. Sometimes it is the little things that mean the most...when he comes home from work and offers to give me a back and foot massage, or cook dinner so I can go lay down or take a relaxing bath. I am not sure where he is getting the energy for all of that, but I sure am grateful.

Thirdly, my kids are amazing and much more capable than I ever gave them credit for. They have become quite good at seeing what needs to be done, and doing it. From doing dishes and laundry, making simple meals, cleaning bathrooms, taking care of the little boys, and changing poopy diapers, I really do have some great helpers here. And what touches my heart the most, is that they really have compassion. They (at least most of the time), truly want to help.

And last but not least, I have learned a great deal about myself and my role as a mother. I do my children no favors by always doing for them. I tend to take great pride in myself when I get all the things done without having to ask anyone else to lift a finger. It sounds great really. Let the kids be kids! Give them no responsibilities so they can spend all day long doing whatever their hearts desire. They will have plenty of opportunity to have responsibilities when they are older. But the thing is, if that is really the way I were to raise my kids, they would get all the responsibilities of an adult but probably with no life skills about how to handle them. They will be obligated to serve others, but perhaps without a servant's heart. They will be called to selflessness and charity, but maybe the roots of selfishness will be too hard to pull out by then. Virtue takes time to grow. It must be gently tended to again and again over the years of one's life. I have learned that the best way I can mother my children is to lovingly and tenderly teach them to serve others. Thankfully, in a large family, that is not too hard to do. A family is a unit that is designed to work together. Thankfully, this time in our lives as a family has literally  forced me to rely on the help of my kids on a daily basis. Perhaps the hardest thing for me has been to accept that I need help; to ask for help; to allow and teach my children to help.

God is good. All the time. His steadfast love endures forever! He shows me His faithfulness again and again as I struggle through the waves of life. I want to be done with this pregnancy and finally get to hold my new baby boy in my arms and kiss his little face. I find myself getting anxious and impatient for this. I want to be on the road to recovery so that I can be more helpful to my family. But then I turn my eyes to God and remember just how faithful and good He is. His timing is always best.
Please pray that our baby would be born soon and for safety and health for baby and me, but even more so, that my family and I would learn to trust God more deeply and rely on the grace He offers us each and every day.

A Lenten Reflection

During lunch time, my kids began asking about my family makeup. They know that my parents are divorced, and they call my mom Nonny and my dad and step mom Grandpa and Grandma. They also know that even though my half brother and half sister have the same dad as I do, we have different moms. This is surely a bit confusing to them, but they basically get it, and accept it as normal for us. They understand divorce is a bad thing, and so sometimes, they wonder how all the great things about having Nonny and Grandma and Grandpa can be so. I am pretty sure I did not do the conversation justice and provide a perfect answer, but after fumbling around for a few minutes, I finally came to the part about God making our messes into something far better than if we had never made a mess in the first place. God is bigger than the most incredible sin we could imagine. His mercy and love cover all sins and all messes we humans could ever fathom. He uses all things for His glory because nothing...nothing is too big or too small for God to fix and make new again. In the case of my own family, God took something that was not in His plan, and used it in His plan to bring about things that are even better than if that bad thing had never happened. There are more connections and more relationships in my life now than there would have been, and one of the things I have seen manifested recently is the fact that my own kids have even more wonderful people to love and get to know. And by far, the greatest thing that came out of all of it were the lives of Matthew and Kate, my half siblings. I tried to use the analogy of how the first sin of Adam and Eve was not God's plan, but He used it and made it glorious...He sent His only Son to redeem us. "O Happy Fault"!

4and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."5And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." 

Revelation 21:4-5

 Every year during Lent, I set out a glass jar and whenever anyone makes a sacrifice, large or small, they place a dried bean inside the jar. Hopefully, by Easter, the jar will be full of beans, reminding us of our little sacrifices, the little ways we have given our hearts to Jesus, throughout the Lenten season. And when the kids wake up on Easter morning they find, not a jar full of dried beans anymore, but a jar filled to the brim with colorful, sweet jelly beans and chocolate egg candies. I explain that God makes all things new. When we offer God our hearts, He takes our sacrifices, weaknesses, sins, and turns them into something better; something truly perfect, and new!

The gift of time...and reminiscing.

As a kid, I remember always hating to wait for things. I thought time, in some ways, was a curse. You had to wait for school to be over, wait until the weekend, wait for the next fun event, wait to grow up. Time always seemed to pass so slowly, too. Unless it was something you enjoyed. Then of course, time always flew by! As an adult, I have found the opposite to be true in some ways. Time always seems to fly, whether you want it to or not. Unless you are 9 months pregnant. Then time just completely stops! My kids change and grow by the day, it seems. And I really am floored that we are expecting our 7th child, when it seems just yesterday that I was a new mom. I still think of myself that way sometimes, even though it really isn't true anymore. I used to see time as a curse, but more recently I have been reflecting on what a tremendous gift it actually is, this side of Heaven. Time has the ability to heal. When I am struggling though some tough emotions, I can honestly see the light at the end of the tunnel, and with true understanding say, "this too shall pass". Time gives us the opportunity to change, and choose again. It gives us the chance to make things right when we have gone wrong. I am more thankful for time than I have ever been before. I am also much more aware of time. Is it really possible that I have a 10 year old?? Am I only a few months away from having my 7th baby?? The gift of time is both bitter and sweet. I love seeing how my kids are growing, but I also miss the time with them that has passed. One thing is for sure...I am learning to live more intentionally. Each moment does count, so I want to make the best of it. And blessedly, when I mess up, which is often, time heals things.
I was going through old photos and came across a bunch, which inspired me to think a bit about time. I know these pictures are, of course, much more endearing to me than anyone reading this, but if you would like to take the time, please allow me to share some of the photos that are bringing warmth to my heart and a smile to my face today...

This smiley baby is Dominic around a year old. He is now my 10 year old!

This is Stella at 10 months. Always such a beauty with such big, beautiful eyes!.

This is Dominic with Peter. He was such a butterball back then...Dominic, I mean. Not Peter ;)

This little doll is Ezekiel, who now only refers to himself as "Big Boy". 

This is our "little" family on our first and only family plane trip.

My Stella baby at around 8 months.

Noah baby at 3 months.

Dancing Dominic at 5 years old.

Princess Stella around 4.

Stella, growing up.

I just love seeing the new baby get so much love from older siblings. The baby here is Noah.

My love and I.

The three little animals. As you can see, it has always been a regular zoo at our house! 

When there were only 4.

Fishing off of mama and papa's bed. Always trying to find ways to amuse ourselves around here ;)

And this little beauty is Gianna...probably around a year old. 

Joseph... his face has always been mostly just eyes.

Dominic at about 10 months. Always a happy guy ;)

Gianna and her perfect smile. She was 10 months here.

This is a favorite of mine. Dominic insisted on covering newborn Gianna's eyes from the flash of the camera. He has always been the sweetest boy ever.

I will always think of my Gianna like this. ADORABLE PRINCESS!!! So much personality in this tiny and beautiful little person. 

Gianna at 8 months.

Another favorite picture. Stella at about a year. She thinks she knows what she is doing. So much "sass" in this picture!

Bright eyes (Gianna) around 3.

Smiley and beautiful Noah...maybe our easiest going baby yet!

Another favorite picture...this is Joseph at 2 months with his gorgeous and enormous eyes. Those eyes still have the power to completely melt me ;)

A great photo from Ezekiel's baptism.

So much expression from Zeke, even from day one!

Some of my favorite moments, by far, are watching my older kids fall in love with their new baby siblings. Precious. (Noah and Gianna pictured here)

And finally, the picture that started this whole journey off. Peter and me on our wedding day. We had no idea the gifts God would hand to us. Thanks be to God!!!

Looking back at older pictures of my family brings back so many happy, delightful, and hilarious memories, and just makes me that much more excited to meet our new little baby :) But I will not wish this current time away. Time moves too quickly for that. 

Growing towards God

Growing hurts. I remember getting growing pains in my legs as a kid. Its a painful process to grow because change is painful. Sometimes I have wondered why I can't feel God's love for me. What I really want is to feel all the good feelings of being loved; the gentle breeze, comforting embrace, the healing warmth of His presence. But when I think about it, I can feel His love for me. The process of changing and growing me into the person He wants me to be is His love for me. Its really not at all like the gentle, comforting feelings I want to feel. If it was, I might get stuck in my current state and never become transformed. But a transformation of myself is exactly what I need, and because God is all good and all perfect, and Perfect Love itself, He chooses to transform me and conform me to His will. And it is a painful process. I can sometimes literally feel the breaking down of my own will and the binding up of my wounds. Surgery is a painful process too. It is gruesome and messy; and the healing process is not an easy road, but it is the only road. I think that process is not so different from what God does in our souls. I can't yet say that I like it, but I accept it. I accept the crosses He chooses for me because I do know that He is all good and will always choose what is best. And what is more, is that He never leaves me. He leads me when I am walking through the dark. He provides for me and blesses me when I am in the depths of my own despair. 

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[d]
    I fear no evil;
for thou art with me;
    thy rod and thy staff,
    they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
thou anointest my head with oil,
    my cup overflows.

Psalm 23: 4-5

I have prayed many times to God begging Him to let me know His love for me. He has answered that prayer, but differently than I imagined. His love hurts. But it is also incredibly sweet. I am not sure that I can properly explain just how sweet His love is. The only analogy I can come up with pales in comparison to the reality of it, but this side of Heaven, I think it is an excellent one. I would use the analogy of pregnancy, labor, and birth. The process of pregnancy is uncomfortable at best. From the morning sickness to the stretching and loosening of all the different joints and ligaments, then the expanding and growing belly, again painfully stretching and changing. Then the labor begins and it grows and increases and intensifies until the final moments of birth! All this pain for an incredibly wonderful, precious, eternal, and unrepeatable tiny soul. The mere feelings of this moment are indescribable. The most precious and perfect moments I have ever felt have been the moments of holding and seeing my new baby for the first time, and sharing that moment with my husband. All the pain, growing, stretching, changing, is all so incredibly worth it! I can only imagine that those moments are a shadow of our glorious births into Heaven. All the pain and growing and changing and stretching we must do here on earth are in order to bring us to that final and eternal life. God our Father will embrace us and hold us and welcome us there. Just as I look upon my newly birthed child, will God look upon each one of us. 

The difficulties and suffering we may have to endure here on earth are beyond worth it when compared to the glorious goodness of eternity with God. And just like there is always suffering in the love that God pours out for us, there is also always sweetness and joy in the suffering that God chooses for us. When we finally stop fighting against God's ways, choose to seek Him rather than the world,  and simply accept all that He gives, in many ways, it becomes almost easy and sweet to endure the hard things in life. And the joys are that much more incredible. This must be what He meant about His burden being light. 

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

 We cannot know the mind of God, nor can we often understand His ways. But that is why He constantly reminds us to keep our minds on Him, and commands us in Scripture to have no fear and to trust Him, for He is all good and desires what is best for us. He is perfect love and will be with us always, loving us and providing for all our needs.

10 fear not, for I am with you,
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

So when are you going to be done?

I think that it is common for people to assume that pregnancy must be easy for me. Why else keep having babies, right? I often get funny or questioning looks from people when they find out we are expecting our 7th child. They seem unsure of how to respond. Should they congratulate us? Express concern? Give us their advice? Ignore it? Question our sanity? I have gotten all of these responses in some way or another, especially this time around. I think they assume that if I am having all these babies, I must be "super woman", or at least find pregnancy fun and easy. Neither of those is true in the least. I am far, far from super woman, and I actually find pregnancy to be some of the hardest times in my life. I am not "cut out" to mother one child let alone 7, and pregnancy is the pits for me. During those 9 months I have a love/hate relationship with food and smells, I do not have "the glow", I have NO energy at any point, patience becomes even more difficult for me than normal, and I am emotionally kind of a wreck. So why put myself through that so many times, one may ask? Why not take the easier path? Two kids is enough, right? I have done my duty and can check it off my list.
The reason I don't think that way is because, I know there is something bigger than me. Because children are not something I am owed, or something I deserve. They are not something to acquire or check off a list of things to do in life. Because my comfort level is not the most important thing, or the thing that ultimately brings happiness. Because it is simply not about me. Each and every one of these kids is an incredible blessing and an eternal soul...an infinitely greater good than all of the difficulty that comes with bringing them into the world. Simply incomparable. The question for us personally has become, why wouldn't we have another? There are certainly good reasons to postpone having children for a time or even indefinitely, but I talk about my thoughts on that in  another post. Each new child has been an incredible blessing to me, my husband, and my children. But even more importantly, they have a unique and important place in God's perfect plan. The Saints are wonderful examples of people who live their lives for something far greater than themselves, and take the visibly harder path. And yet, they were truly full of peace and joy.
From a personal perspective, I will say that I have always been prone to emotional lows, and just being very sensitive to emotions in general. Pregnancy does make that tougher. But it also does something to my spiritual life that doesn't happen as readily when I am not pregnant. Perhaps it is the sudden realization that without His grace, I am literally a mess and incapable of ANYTHING! Of course, that's true at all times, but it becomes strikingly clear when I am pregnant. I am convinced that God uses our faults, shortcomings, and weaknesses more readily than our strengths, if we let Him. In some of my more rough moments I  have bitterly said, "God must like it when I am a mess. He wants me to be sitting here feeling sick as a dog, and having to ask my kids for help." And though I said those words while pouting, there is some very real truth in them. When I am in need, God comes to me. Its then that I finally allow Him to comfort and care for me. When I am feeling overwhelmed or sick or incapable, I cannot micromanage my life or the lives of my kids. Its impossible. The more kids I have had, the more true that has become. I am forced to pay attention to only those things that really matter. I start to spend more time with my kids and ask more meaningful questions of them. I desire more meaningful time with my husband. I worry less about the state of our house, and more about the state of our souls. I crave more family time and more time spent with God. It is in my personality to try to control all details of every little goings-on in my house. But in case you are wondering how a mom of a family of 8 "does it all", I will let you in on a little secret...I don't. I can't. It is truly God's grace working in and through us, that allows things to happen at all. I have come to realize, through tears and hard work, that God is THE only way. We don't function in quite the same way as a family with two or three kids. I cannot be the only person who does all the chores. I cannot be the only one who remembers all the little things, and I cannot be the only eyes or hands in the house. Trust me. It's a real grace that I literally can't do it all without help, because if I could, I would. We all work together, according to our stage in life or place in the family. It is definitely a learning curve for them and me. I have to teach them how to do things, then be ok with letting them do it and mess it up a few times. I have to be ok with my littlest getting comfort from a big brother or sister every once in a while, or getting dressed by them, which doesn't always turn out the way I would have done it. I have to be ok with a less than perfectly clean house. I have to be ok with some days being completely not how I planned it, and I have to be ok with finding the peace and joy in the moment; being content with things, just as they are. Because some days, actually most days, are just that way. And perhaps most importantly, I have to be ok with accepting and asking for help. It is a day to day, sometimes moment to moment sacrifice and laying down of my will that I have to allow. All these things are a major work in progress for me. But God's grace makes them possible. He DOES provide. Sometimes this all overwhelms me. But I will choose to trust that He will continue to provide, just as He always has, even when I was less aware of it. Choosing to trust God. Its simple really, while at the same time, the hardest thing in my life. But it is a (moment to moment) choice. He is teaching me, and growing me, and allowing me to mess up, and having patience with me in the process.  I try to remember all this in training up my own kids.
So when people wonder, or even dare to ask, "when are you going to stop having kids?" my answer is simply, "God only knows." I will choose to do my best in prayerfully considering His will in all things, loving the family He has given me, following the teachings of His church, and trusting that He is guiding all of this in His perfect wisdom and love.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

But women will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.
1 Timothy 2:15