A Lenten Reflection

During lunch time, my kids began asking about my family makeup. They know that my parents are divorced, and they call my mom Nonny and my dad and step mom Grandpa and Grandma. They also know that even though my half brother and half sister have the same dad as I do, we have different moms. This is surely a bit confusing to them, but they basically get it, and accept it as normal for us. They understand divorce is a bad thing, and so sometimes, they wonder how all the great things about having Nonny and Grandma and Grandpa can be so. I am pretty sure I did not do the conversation justice and provide a perfect answer, but after fumbling around for a few minutes, I finally came to the part about God making our messes into something far better than if we had never made a mess in the first place. God is bigger than the most incredible sin we could imagine. His mercy and love cover all sins and all messes we humans could ever fathom. He uses all things for His glory because nothing...nothing is too big or too small for God to fix and make new again. In the case of my own family, God took something that was not in His plan, and used it in His plan to bring about things that are even better than if that bad thing had never happened. There are more connections and more relationships in my life now than there would have been, and one of the things I have seen manifested recently is the fact that my own kids have even more wonderful people to love and get to know. And by far, the greatest thing that came out of all of it were the lives of Matthew and Kate, my half siblings. I tried to use the analogy of how the first sin of Adam and Eve was not God's plan, but He used it and made it glorious...He sent His only Son to redeem us. "O Happy Fault"!

4and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."5And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." 

Revelation 21:4-5

 Every year during Lent, I set out a glass jar and whenever anyone makes a sacrifice, large or small, they place a dried bean inside the jar. Hopefully, by Easter, the jar will be full of beans, reminding us of our little sacrifices, the little ways we have given our hearts to Jesus, throughout the Lenten season. And when the kids wake up on Easter morning they find, not a jar full of dried beans anymore, but a jar filled to the brim with colorful, sweet jelly beans and chocolate egg candies. I explain that God makes all things new. When we offer God our hearts, He takes our sacrifices, weaknesses, sins, and turns them into something better; something truly perfect, and new!

The gift of time...and reminiscing.

As a kid, I remember always hating to wait for things. I thought time, in some ways, was a curse. You had to wait for school to be over, wait until the weekend, wait for the next fun event, wait to grow up. Time always seemed to pass so slowly, too. Unless it was something you enjoyed. Then of course, time always flew by! As an adult, I have found the opposite to be true in some ways. Time always seems to fly, whether you want it to or not. Unless you are 9 months pregnant. Then time just completely stops! My kids change and grow by the day, it seems. And I really am floored that we are expecting our 7th child, when it seems just yesterday that I was a new mom. I still think of myself that way sometimes, even though it really isn't true anymore. I used to see time as a curse, but more recently I have been reflecting on what a tremendous gift it actually is, this side of Heaven. Time has the ability to heal. When I am struggling though some tough emotions, I can honestly see the light at the end of the tunnel, and with true understanding say, "this too shall pass". Time gives us the opportunity to change, and choose again. It gives us the chance to make things right when we have gone wrong. I am more thankful for time than I have ever been before. I am also much more aware of time. Is it really possible that I have a 10 year old?? Am I only a few months away from having my 7th baby?? The gift of time is both bitter and sweet. I love seeing how my kids are growing, but I also miss the time with them that has passed. One thing is for sure...I am learning to live more intentionally. Each moment does count, so I want to make the best of it. And blessedly, when I mess up, which is often, time heals things.
I was going through old photos and came across a bunch, which inspired me to think a bit about time. I know these pictures are, of course, much more endearing to me than anyone reading this, but if you would like to take the time, please allow me to share some of the photos that are bringing warmth to my heart and a smile to my face today...

This smiley baby is Dominic around a year old. He is now my 10 year old!

This is Stella at 10 months. Always such a beauty with such big, beautiful eyes!.

This is Dominic with Peter. He was such a butterball back then...Dominic, I mean. Not Peter ;)

This little doll is Ezekiel, who now only refers to himself as "Big Boy". 

This is our "little" family on our first and only family plane trip.

My Stella baby at around 8 months.

Noah baby at 3 months.

Dancing Dominic at 5 years old.

Princess Stella around 4.

Stella, growing up.

I just love seeing the new baby get so much love from older siblings. The baby here is Noah.

My love and I.

The three little animals. As you can see, it has always been a regular zoo at our house! 

When there were only 4.

Fishing off of mama and papa's bed. Always trying to find ways to amuse ourselves around here ;)

And this little beauty is Gianna...probably around a year old. 

Joseph... his face has always been mostly just eyes.

Dominic at about 10 months. Always a happy guy ;)

Gianna and her perfect smile. She was 10 months here.

This is a favorite of mine. Dominic insisted on covering newborn Gianna's eyes from the flash of the camera. He has always been the sweetest boy ever.

I will always think of my Gianna like this. ADORABLE PRINCESS!!! So much personality in this tiny and beautiful little person. 

Gianna at 8 months.

Another favorite picture. Stella at about a year. She thinks she knows what she is doing. So much "sass" in this picture!

Bright eyes (Gianna) around 3.

Smiley and beautiful Noah...maybe our easiest going baby yet!

Another favorite picture...this is Joseph at 2 months with his gorgeous and enormous eyes. Those eyes still have the power to completely melt me ;)

A great photo from Ezekiel's baptism.

So much expression from Zeke, even from day one!

Some of my favorite moments, by far, are watching my older kids fall in love with their new baby siblings. Precious. (Noah and Gianna pictured here)

And finally, the picture that started this whole journey off. Peter and me on our wedding day. We had no idea the gifts God would hand to us. Thanks be to God!!!

Looking back at older pictures of my family brings back so many happy, delightful, and hilarious memories, and just makes me that much more excited to meet our new little baby :) But I will not wish this current time away. Time moves too quickly for that. 

Growing towards God

Growing hurts. I remember getting growing pains in my legs as a kid. Its a painful process to grow because change is painful. Sometimes I have wondered why I can't feel God's love for me. What I really want is to feel all the good feelings of being loved; the gentle breeze, comforting embrace, the healing warmth of His presence. But when I think about it, I can feel His love for me. The process of changing and growing me into the person He wants me to be is His love for me. Its really not at all like the gentle, comforting feelings I want to feel. If it was, I might get stuck in my current state and never become transformed. But a transformation of myself is exactly what I need, and because God is all good and all perfect, and Perfect Love itself, He chooses to transform me and conform me to His will. And it is a painful process. I can sometimes literally feel the breaking down of my own will and the binding up of my wounds. Surgery is a painful process too. It is gruesome and messy; and the healing process is not an easy road, but it is the only road. I think that process is not so different from what God does in our souls. I can't yet say that I like it, but I accept it. I accept the crosses He chooses for me because I do know that He is all good and will always choose what is best. And what is more, is that He never leaves me. He leads me when I am walking through the dark. He provides for me and blesses me when I am in the depths of my own despair. 

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[d]
    I fear no evil;
for thou art with me;
    thy rod and thy staff,
    they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
thou anointest my head with oil,
    my cup overflows.

Psalm 23: 4-5

I have prayed many times to God begging Him to let me know His love for me. He has answered that prayer, but differently than I imagined. His love hurts. But it is also incredibly sweet. I am not sure that I can properly explain just how sweet His love is. The only analogy I can come up with pales in comparison to the reality of it, but this side of Heaven, I think it is an excellent one. I would use the analogy of pregnancy, labor, and birth. The process of pregnancy is uncomfortable at best. From the morning sickness to the stretching and loosening of all the different joints and ligaments, then the expanding and growing belly, again painfully stretching and changing. Then the labor begins and it grows and increases and intensifies until the final moments of birth! All this pain for an incredibly wonderful, precious, eternal, and unrepeatable tiny soul. The mere feelings of this moment are indescribable. The most precious and perfect moments I have ever felt have been the moments of holding and seeing my new baby for the first time, and sharing that moment with my husband. All the pain, growing, stretching, changing, is all so incredibly worth it! I can only imagine that those moments are a shadow of our glorious births into Heaven. All the pain and growing and changing and stretching we must do here on earth are in order to bring us to that final and eternal life. God our Father will embrace us and hold us and welcome us there. Just as I look upon my newly birthed child, will God look upon each one of us. 

The difficulties and suffering we may have to endure here on earth are beyond worth it when compared to the glorious goodness of eternity with God. And just like there is always suffering in the love that God pours out for us, there is also always sweetness and joy in the suffering that God chooses for us. When we finally stop fighting against God's ways, choose to seek Him rather than the world,  and simply accept all that He gives, in many ways, it becomes almost easy and sweet to endure the hard things in life. And the joys are that much more incredible. This must be what He meant about His burden being light. 

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

 We cannot know the mind of God, nor can we often understand His ways. But that is why He constantly reminds us to keep our minds on Him, and commands us in Scripture to have no fear and to trust Him, for He is all good and desires what is best for us. He is perfect love and will be with us always, loving us and providing for all our needs.

10 fear not, for I am with you,
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10