The gift of time...and reminiscing.

As a kid, I remember always hating to wait for things. I thought time, in some ways, was a curse. You had to wait for school to be over, wait until the weekend, wait for the next fun event, wait to grow up. Time always seemed to pass so slowly, too. Unless it was something you enjoyed. Then of course, time always flew by! As an adult, I have found the opposite to be true in some ways. Time always seems to fly, whether you want it to or not. Unless you are 9 months pregnant. Then time just completely stops! My kids change and grow by the day, it seems. And I really am floored that we are expecting our 7th child, when it seems just yesterday that I was a new mom. I still think of myself that way sometimes, even though it really isn't true anymore. I used to see time as a curse, but more recently I have been reflecting on what a tremendous gift it actually is, this side of Heaven. Time has the ability to heal. When I am struggling though some tough emotions, I can honestly see the light at the end of the tunnel, and with true understanding say, "this too shall pass". Time gives us the opportunity to change, and choose again. It gives us the chance to make things right when we have gone wrong. I am more thankful for time than I have ever been before. I am also much more aware of time. Is it really possible that I have a 10 year old?? Am I only a few months away from having my 7th baby?? The gift of time is both bitter and sweet. I love seeing how my kids are growing, but I also miss the time with them that has passed. One thing is for sure...I am learning to live more intentionally. Each moment does count, so I want to make the best of it. And blessedly, when I mess up, which is often, time heals things.
I was going through old photos and came across a bunch, which inspired me to think a bit about time. I know these pictures are, of course, much more endearing to me than anyone reading this, but if you would like to take the time, please allow me to share some of the photos that are bringing warmth to my heart and a smile to my face today...

This smiley baby is Dominic around a year old. He is now my 10 year old!

This is Stella at 10 months. Always such a beauty with such big, beautiful eyes!.

This is Dominic with Peter. He was such a butterball back then...Dominic, I mean. Not Peter ;)

This little doll is Ezekiel, who now only refers to himself as "Big Boy". 

This is our "little" family on our first and only family plane trip.

My Stella baby at around 8 months.

Noah baby at 3 months.

Dancing Dominic at 5 years old.

Princess Stella around 4.

Stella, growing up.

I just love seeing the new baby get so much love from older siblings. The baby here is Noah.

My love and I.

The three little animals. As you can see, it has always been a regular zoo at our house! 

When there were only 4.

Fishing off of mama and papa's bed. Always trying to find ways to amuse ourselves around here ;)

And this little beauty is Gianna...probably around a year old. 

Joseph... his face has always been mostly just eyes.

Dominic at about 10 months. Always a happy guy ;)

Gianna and her perfect smile. She was 10 months here.

This is a favorite of mine. Dominic insisted on covering newborn Gianna's eyes from the flash of the camera. He has always been the sweetest boy ever.

I will always think of my Gianna like this. ADORABLE PRINCESS!!! So much personality in this tiny and beautiful little person. 

Gianna at 8 months.

Another favorite picture. Stella at about a year. She thinks she knows what she is doing. So much "sass" in this picture!

Bright eyes (Gianna) around 3.

Smiley and beautiful Noah...maybe our easiest going baby yet!

Another favorite picture...this is Joseph at 2 months with his gorgeous and enormous eyes. Those eyes still have the power to completely melt me ;)

A great photo from Ezekiel's baptism.

So much expression from Zeke, even from day one!

Some of my favorite moments, by far, are watching my older kids fall in love with their new baby siblings. Precious. (Noah and Gianna pictured here)

And finally, the picture that started this whole journey off. Peter and me on our wedding day. We had no idea the gifts God would hand to us. Thanks be to God!!!

Looking back at older pictures of my family brings back so many happy, delightful, and hilarious memories, and just makes me that much more excited to meet our new little baby :) But I will not wish this current time away. Time moves too quickly for that. 

Growing towards God

Growing hurts. I remember getting growing pains in my legs as a kid. Its a painful process to grow because change is painful. Sometimes I have wondered why I can't feel God's love for me. What I really want is to feel all the good feelings of being loved; the gentle breeze, comforting embrace, the healing warmth of His presence. But when I think about it, I can feel His love for me. The process of changing and growing me into the person He wants me to be is His love for me. Its really not at all like the gentle, comforting feelings I want to feel. If it was, I might get stuck in my current state and never become transformed. But a transformation of myself is exactly what I need, and because God is all good and all perfect, and Perfect Love itself, He chooses to transform me and conform me to His will. And it is a painful process. I can sometimes literally feel the breaking down of my own will and the binding up of my wounds. Surgery is a painful process too. It is gruesome and messy; and the healing process is not an easy road, but it is the only road. I think that process is not so different from what God does in our souls. I can't yet say that I like it, but I accept it. I accept the crosses He chooses for me because I do know that He is all good and will always choose what is best. And what is more, is that He never leaves me. He leads me when I am walking through the dark. He provides for me and blesses me when I am in the depths of my own despair. 

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[d]
    I fear no evil;
for thou art with me;
    thy rod and thy staff,
    they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
thou anointest my head with oil,
    my cup overflows.

Psalm 23: 4-5

I have prayed many times to God begging Him to let me know His love for me. He has answered that prayer, but differently than I imagined. His love hurts. But it is also incredibly sweet. I am not sure that I can properly explain just how sweet His love is. The only analogy I can come up with pales in comparison to the reality of it, but this side of Heaven, I think it is an excellent one. I would use the analogy of pregnancy, labor, and birth. The process of pregnancy is uncomfortable at best. From the morning sickness to the stretching and loosening of all the different joints and ligaments, then the expanding and growing belly, again painfully stretching and changing. Then the labor begins and it grows and increases and intensifies until the final moments of birth! All this pain for an incredibly wonderful, precious, eternal, and unrepeatable tiny soul. The mere feelings of this moment are indescribable. The most precious and perfect moments I have ever felt have been the moments of holding and seeing my new baby for the first time, and sharing that moment with my husband. All the pain, growing, stretching, changing, is all so incredibly worth it! I can only imagine that those moments are a shadow of our glorious births into Heaven. All the pain and growing and changing and stretching we must do here on earth are in order to bring us to that final and eternal life. God our Father will embrace us and hold us and welcome us there. Just as I look upon my newly birthed child, will God look upon each one of us. 

The difficulties and suffering we may have to endure here on earth are beyond worth it when compared to the glorious goodness of eternity with God. And just like there is always suffering in the love that God pours out for us, there is also always sweetness and joy in the suffering that God chooses for us. When we finally stop fighting against God's ways, choose to seek Him rather than the world,  and simply accept all that He gives, in many ways, it becomes almost easy and sweet to endure the hard things in life. And the joys are that much more incredible. This must be what He meant about His burden being light. 

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

 We cannot know the mind of God, nor can we often understand His ways. But that is why He constantly reminds us to keep our minds on Him, and commands us in Scripture to have no fear and to trust Him, for He is all good and desires what is best for us. He is perfect love and will be with us always, loving us and providing for all our needs.

10 fear not, for I am with you,
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

So when are you going to be done?

I think that it is common for people to assume that pregnancy must be easy for me. Why else keep having babies, right? I often get funny or questioning looks from people when they find out we are expecting our 7th child. They seem unsure of how to respond. Should they congratulate us? Express concern? Give us their advice? Ignore it? Question our sanity? I have gotten all of these responses in some way or another, especially this time around. I think they assume that if I am having all these babies, I must be "super woman", or at least find pregnancy fun and easy. Neither of those is true in the least. I am far, far from super woman, and I actually find pregnancy to be some of the hardest times in my life. I am not "cut out" to mother one child let alone 7, and pregnancy is the pits for me. During those 9 months I have a love/hate relationship with food and smells, I do not have "the glow", I have NO energy at any point, patience becomes even more difficult for me than normal, and I am emotionally kind of a wreck. So why put myself through that so many times, one may ask? Why not take the easier path? Two kids is enough, right? I have done my duty and can check it off my list.
The reason I don't think that way is because, I know there is something bigger than me. Because children are not something I am owed, or something I deserve. They are not something to acquire or check off a list of things to do in life. Because my comfort level is not the most important thing, or the thing that ultimately brings happiness. Because it is simply not about me. Each and every one of these kids is an incredible blessing and an eternal soul...an infinitely greater good than all of the difficulty that comes with bringing them into the world. Simply incomparable. The question for us personally has become, why wouldn't we have another? There are certainly good reasons to postpone having children for a time or even indefinitely, but I talk about my thoughts on that in  another post. Each new child has been an incredible blessing to me, my husband, and my children. But even more importantly, they have a unique and important place in God's perfect plan. The Saints are wonderful examples of people who live their lives for something far greater than themselves, and take the visibly harder path. And yet, they were truly full of peace and joy.
From a personal perspective, I will say that I have always been prone to emotional lows, and just being very sensitive to emotions in general. Pregnancy does make that tougher. But it also does something to my spiritual life that doesn't happen as readily when I am not pregnant. Perhaps it is the sudden realization that without His grace, I am literally a mess and incapable of ANYTHING! Of course, that's true at all times, but it becomes strikingly clear when I am pregnant. I am convinced that God uses our faults, shortcomings, and weaknesses more readily than our strengths, if we let Him. In some of my more rough moments I  have bitterly said, "God must like it when I am a mess. He wants me to be sitting here feeling sick as a dog, and having to ask my kids for help." And though I said those words while pouting, there is some very real truth in them. When I am in need, God comes to me. Its then that I finally allow Him to comfort and care for me. When I am feeling overwhelmed or sick or incapable, I cannot micromanage my life or the lives of my kids. Its impossible. The more kids I have had, the more true that has become. I am forced to pay attention to only those things that really matter. I start to spend more time with my kids and ask more meaningful questions of them. I desire more meaningful time with my husband. I worry less about the state of our house, and more about the state of our souls. I crave more family time and more time spent with God. It is in my personality to try to control all details of every little goings-on in my house. But in case you are wondering how a mom of a family of 8 "does it all", I will let you in on a little secret...I don't. I can't. It is truly God's grace working in and through us, that allows things to happen at all. I have come to realize, through tears and hard work, that God is THE only way. We don't function in quite the same way as a family with two or three kids. I cannot be the only person who does all the chores. I cannot be the only one who remembers all the little things, and I cannot be the only eyes or hands in the house. Trust me. It's a real grace that I literally can't do it all without help, because if I could, I would. We all work together, according to our stage in life or place in the family. It is definitely a learning curve for them and me. I have to teach them how to do things, then be ok with letting them do it and mess it up a few times. I have to be ok with my littlest getting comfort from a big brother or sister every once in a while, or getting dressed by them, which doesn't always turn out the way I would have done it. I have to be ok with a less than perfectly clean house. I have to be ok with some days being completely not how I planned it, and I have to be ok with finding the peace and joy in the moment; being content with things, just as they are. Because some days, actually most days, are just that way. And perhaps most importantly, I have to be ok with accepting and asking for help. It is a day to day, sometimes moment to moment sacrifice and laying down of my will that I have to allow. All these things are a major work in progress for me. But God's grace makes them possible. He DOES provide. Sometimes this all overwhelms me. But I will choose to trust that He will continue to provide, just as He always has, even when I was less aware of it. Choosing to trust God. Its simple really, while at the same time, the hardest thing in my life. But it is a (moment to moment) choice. He is teaching me, and growing me, and allowing me to mess up, and having patience with me in the process.  I try to remember all this in training up my own kids.
So when people wonder, or even dare to ask, "when are you going to stop having kids?" my answer is simply, "God only knows." I will choose to do my best in prayerfully considering His will in all things, loving the family He has given me, following the teachings of His church, and trusting that He is guiding all of this in His perfect wisdom and love.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

But women will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.
1 Timothy 2:15

A breakfast date that turned philosophical... and some randomness.

There are so many differences in the world. Each and everyone of them has its own perfect place and value. I was reflecting on this one day while talking to Peter. We were out on a rare breakfast date (thanks to my generous mom!) at our favorite little diner, and inevitably, we began talking about our kids. I was updating him about our homeschooling and we were commenting on each of the kids, and what is going on in their lives. The conversation turned toward the larger perspective of the differences and gifts of each person God has created. We notice it in our own children. Each of them is so different from his or her siblings. Everyone always comments on how similar our kids look. "They all look exactly the same!" they say. And they do look a lot alike! I love comparing those new babies and noticing how Stella and Joey have the same big dark eyes, or how they all have the same black head of hair when they are born, or how Noah is Peter's mini-me, but has the same perfect little rose bud mouth as his big sisters do. Zeke and Gianna are so similar in temperament and have the same huge and infectious smile, and Dominic and Noah have the same relaxed nature, and easy going personalities. I love seeing the similarities, but as they are growing and changing, I am appreciating their differences even more. They each bring such a joy and dynamic to our family in different ways. This, of course, is true with any family and within the family of God. We are all made up of His body and have our God given personalities and gifts that add to the richness of His Body, the Church. How boring and bland the world would be if everyone was the same! You've heard that before, I am sure, but it is no less true to say it again. God must love creating souls. It is a new creation every time. I am sure that would never get boring! Its easy to fall into thinking that one personality is better than the others, or one gift more useful and important. But that could not be further from the truth. Each and every person brings to the world a different angle, facet, perspective, that without it, would be a great loss to humanity and the Church. I see that, even within the little world of my own children.
I love reflecting on the lives of the Saints. They are all so incredibly different! As tempting as it may be at times, we should never want to be different persons, just better versions of ourselves. As a parent, I think that we are called to help guide our children towards being the best versions of who God created them to be. The Saints are examples to me of how different we can be, while still within the perfectly designed plan of God. I think this touches on one of the main issues with abortion. Its not so much that the person to cure cancer may have been, or could be aborted, though that is certainly a valid argument against abortion too, but its even more the fact that even the smallest souls have incredibly great value in and of themselves, and also in the vastly larger picture of eternity.

Focusing on the moments

Noah is almost 15 months. It took me by surprise how much he is becoming one of the gang these days. He's still a baby, but he is quickly growing into more of a toddler at this point. With my first three kids, I looked forward to all the big milestones. I couldn't wait until they ate real food, crawled, talked, walked. It made the in between longer, which made it seem like they were a baby for-e-ver! This time around, that is not the case. I almost feel a tiny pang of sadness every time Noah does something that makes him seem a little less baby-ish. I have been so enjoying his babyhood, that I almost never want it to end. I don't even mind still waking up to nurse him at night...almost ;)

Sorry for a ridiculous amount of Noah-pictures, but seriously, can you blame me?!

There is a dichotomy in my mind about kids growing up. On the one hand, I love seeing all they are becoming capable of. I love seeing them change into the people they will one day become. I love seeing them learn and grow. On the other hand, I feel like time goes by too fast.
 It takes my breath away sometimes when I look at my daughters and see how stunningly beautiful they have become. They are not babies anymore. Those adorable roly poly appendages have been replaced by long slender arms and legs that run, dance, jump, skip, ride bikes, etc, No longer are they OK with food all over their cherub little faces. They care about their appearance and take a bit of time to get ready in the mornings. They are becoming more and more like young ladies, and amazingly, they get more beautiful by the day.
What's more though, is that they are truly, and wonderfully  helpful. My heart melts when they do something that their bodies might not be big enough to do with perfect grace, but that their hearts have been moved to do, like when Gianna or Joey try to calm a crying baby Noah by walking him around. Gianna has occasionally been found doing dishes or making my bed on her own accord. Stella has been especially helpful with Noah these days. Just this morning, she heard him wake and got him out of bed and into the living room with some toys. It was like she didn't skip a beat. Dominic has been a tremendous help with the two little boys. He has the most compassionate and caring heart of anyone I know. He loves to play with his little 4 and 2 year old brothers. He rarely loses his patience with them, and has been quick to ask what he can do to help me out when he sees things are getting overwhelming to me. Often, I look at him and see a handsome  young man. No longer a baby or even a little boy, but a young man. He has an intriguing mind and asks questions both academic and spiritual that are already well beyond me.

Sorry for another long line of pictures, but hey, I am a mom and every mom has the right to be sappy about her kids, so here it goes anyways!

Even though my older three are all so much bigger than they were a few short years ago, they are at the same time still so little. In the older three, despite how independent they really are, I still see those baby-faces from time to time, and when they are sleeping, I think my heart might explode from the sheer preciousness of every one of them. Its when they are sleeping that I can't see them as anyone other than the precious little baby they once were.  But those little glimpses of who they are growing into can shock me for an instant, and get me to recognize the future that is right around the corner.  I gladly welcome their help here these days, and its good to see how, despite my faults and failings, the kids are still growing up exceptionally well.
Its the way of life. Children grow and change. Its beautiful and good. Over all, I appreciate and love these changes, but every once in a while, I find myself missing the time when they were all just babies and we had no duties other than to play and cuddle together, and I wonder, did I appreciate it enough then? Did I take advantage of the time I could spend just holding them? I am sure I did not. Do we ever really realize how precious each moment is, until it passes? Well, I am going to hug that big 9 and a half year old boy today, and the next, and the next... and I will not let go until he does. And I am going to hold and cuddle my 15 month old baby boy as much as I am possibly able to, and I won't complain when he wakes up to nurse at night, but instead, take that opportunity to savor his preciousness and hold him close...because I know, it doesn't last forever, and I know I will never regret not getting that laundry folded or that kitchen cleaned or that curriculum perfected. But I WILL regret not savoring their childhood and babyhood; not hugging them enough; not taking the time to stop what I am doing and watch them or listen to them, because I am so busy doing, what? Other more important things? There is a place for doing "other important things", to be sure! And as more kids have come into this family, and they have gotten older, there are so so many important things that do need to get done.  But I dare say, nothing will ever be more important than taking the time to love my kids and guide them to Jesus. I am so fickle sometimes, and I forget easily. But with God's grace, I pray that I will remember to keep my priorities straight.
In my journey as a mother, I have been learning the importance of the art of living in the moments. Enjoy the present, because it will be gone too soon. The future is good and beautiful too, but if you focus on it, or the past, it will rob you of the present, which is always the most beautiful. Many Saints have said that the key to happiness is to be thankful, and to always live in the present. Through motherhood, God shows me how incredibly true that is.

Stellas pictures (A picture post)

My daughter Stella has become quite the little photographer lately. I love looking through her pictures because they are from her perspective. She sees things through her own eyes and it is refreshing to me. I also love that she gets some great shots that I might not have thought to take or that I might not have noticed. I would love to share with you some of my favorites from her photos over the last two years! To start off ... a Stella selfie ;)

She obviously loves her siblings, and I think she has a gift for capturing some great moments. I can't wait to see how her talent blooms!

As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace
-1 Peter 4:10